1-1 meeting

I want to do well at this.
I need to well at this.
Each day, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my job, because I'm not doing enough, or not being thorough.
I'm just always afraid.
I want to do well, and I want these kids to learn. But, I feel out of my league...constantly.
What can I, a 25 year old (7 year college graduate) teach these children?
It seems so incomprehensible and uncertain.

I need this job for my family and my son.
I need it like I need water and food.
My family needs it like water and food, so they can have water and food.

There is so much riding on it, so much to be done.

Reflections

As I reflect back over this last week I have come to one conclusion.
 I have stopped trying. 
During this week, I was yearning for the weekend, pining for the days off where I could sit in my bed doing absolutely nothing...being slothful and unproductive.

During this week, I haven't tried, much less succeeded, in managing my classroom, mainly because I was not prepared---I was coasting.

Coasting and being "not in the moment" doesn't fly in this type of career---or any career. There were moments that I was being rude to just be rude. There were times that children were just being children. Instead of coming down to their thinking level, I came down to their level of coping ---pure childishness. I was sharp, strict, and undeniable, painfully disregardful of what was taking place right before my eyes. I was choosing not to care.

I have been choosing not to love these children.
I have been choosing not to write the lessons that will engage them and excite them.
I have been choosing to be lethargic, unproductive, and cynical about my situation.
I have been choosing to be overwhelmed with my sucky (pretty darn good) life.
I have been choosing not to try. 

I have not given it my all.

I have not tried my best.

I have not earned my paycheck. 

I have been wasting time.

I have been wasting resources.

My life, up to this point, has led me to where I am.

There are no coincidences. 

I am supposed to be here. 

In Las Vegas. 

As a first year teacher, in an arts integrated school.