I had a breakdown this morning about how much I hate this job.
I came to school in tears because I don't want to be here. I don't want to teach.
It isn't fair to kids and it isn't fair to me.
What have I gotten myself into.
You should be this miserable in a job, this alone, and this frustrated...for any amount of time.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Friday, November 14, 2014
November 14, 2014
About an hour ago I had a complete meltdown. I was so bogged down by the idea of having to have my principal come observe me that I was crying crocodile tears, the ones that hit you in the back of the throat, making it hard to breathe. I went on about how I don't feel like I'm measuring up and how I'm so scared of failing and losing this job when there is so much riding on it. My family life is riding on it.
If we didn't have this job our life would spiral into a mass waste of hellish unknowns. My husband wouldn't be able to get his medication, my baby wouldn't be able to have his doctor visits, and we wouldn't be able to afford anything. I'm not saying I get paid millions, far from it, but it is enough to take care of our needs when we are very frugal.
This job is everything and I just feel like I've hit the largest learning curve I've ever encountered.
Yesterday I lost complete control of my class for 30 minutes.
It was the longest, more vile 30 minutes I have had to date.
My husband made a good point though as I was trying to make eye contact through my tears. There are 25 different variables in my class. 25 little ones that all are independent thinking kiddos who think they know what is best for them at certain parts of the day. I know what I expect of me and sometimes the kids don't know that. I have realized that I have a "perfect movie" complex. Where everyone should know my script and follow it precisely as I want it to flow. That is overwhelmingly impossible. It will never be possible, nor would it be as eye opening or learning filled...people are unpredictable because of past experiences, as well as, the current state of affairs.
Today will either be amazing or blow uplike WW2. (Bad reference)
What I have to focus on is the thought I had while driving to school:
If we didn't have this job our life would spiral into a mass waste of hellish unknowns. My husband wouldn't be able to get his medication, my baby wouldn't be able to have his doctor visits, and we wouldn't be able to afford anything. I'm not saying I get paid millions, far from it, but it is enough to take care of our needs when we are very frugal.
This job is everything and I just feel like I've hit the largest learning curve I've ever encountered.
Yesterday I lost complete control of my class for 30 minutes.
It was the longest, more vile 30 minutes I have had to date.
My husband made a good point though as I was trying to make eye contact through my tears. There are 25 different variables in my class. 25 little ones that all are independent thinking kiddos who think they know what is best for them at certain parts of the day. I know what I expect of me and sometimes the kids don't know that. I have realized that I have a "perfect movie" complex. Where everyone should know my script and follow it precisely as I want it to flow. That is overwhelmingly impossible. It will never be possible, nor would it be as eye opening or learning filled...people are unpredictable because of past experiences, as well as, the current state of affairs.
Today will either be amazing or blow up
What I have to focus on is the thought I had while driving to school:
It will happen whether you are prepared or not, so be prepared.
Thursday, November 13, 2014
November 13th Cont.
Tomorrow is my first observation and I am terrified.
My I.A. suggested that I consecrate my room to God for the day..pray at each chair to ask God in helping them behave and do the best they can. I'm going to do that tonight after I finish my after school job.
I need this to go well, so that I have time to continue practicing and get better.
It doesn't change the fact that I am terrified though...absolutely terrified because each day I feel like a failure.
My I.A. suggested that I consecrate my room to God for the day..pray at each chair to ask God in helping them behave and do the best they can. I'm going to do that tonight after I finish my after school job.
I need this to go well, so that I have time to continue practicing and get better.
It doesn't change the fact that I am terrified though...absolutely terrified because each day I feel like a failure.
November 13, 2014
Today has been the worst. I have yelled more than I have taught and been short more than I have been patient.
I am in over my head and there is nothing I can do. I didn't choose this profession, it chose me. I followed a prompting and it has gotten me here; teaching little kidswho I have no fondness of. who are little kids.
These kids are some of the brightest children. They come from very different walks of life and are all different in some way or another. There are children that can't write their name, where others can write full coherent sentences. Some children want nothing more than to the please the teacher, where others are out to get me emotionally, physically, and mentally.
The problem is, they don't know that they are driving me crazy.
They don't know that what they are doing is detrimental to their education.
They don't know because of the age they are.
They don't know that each day they are ripping a piece of my heart out and crushing it on the floor.
That each day I try my best to command a classroom but come off snide and patient; where I am anything but that inside.
I have been told that I have a soft countenance and wonderful demeanor towards the children. What they don't realize is how often I look at the clock, counting down the minutes till their next special, recess, and finally when the bell rings for them to go home.
When that bell rings I have 5 minutes of complete euphoria, where I realize I have made it through another day, finishing what I started, doing what is required of me. Then reality hits---I have to do the same thing the next day.
What a feeling it is to not want to wake up with fear imbedded in your chest trying to fight its way out. This depression that has consumed me in this first year of teaching is usually held to a standard of normalcy. There is nothing normal about being utterly depressed and down on yourself for 9 months in a year ...everyday.
Since the beginning of school I have had this weight on my shoulders that I cannot seem to shake. I have this weight that eats at my very fiber of being---I am not happy. But I am required to this job because of financial responsibility to my family. This must be done.
There was a story that my Sister-In-Law sent me about a month ago that has rang true for me since I heard it. The meaning of the story is to give insight into the feelings of parents who have children with down syndrome. I do not have a child with down syndrome, but I have been dealt a hand of cards that I was not anticipating and I believe that the story has meaning to my life.
This story you can read here:
That is where I found the title of my blog and that is the journey I am on to find Joy in my Holland.
I will be using this blog as a place to write my thoughts; good and bad. I need to get past this and find job in what I have been given, otherwise life will cease to exist.
I am in over my head and there is nothing I can do. I didn't choose this profession, it chose me. I followed a prompting and it has gotten me here; teaching little kids
These kids are some of the brightest children. They come from very different walks of life and are all different in some way or another. There are children that can't write their name, where others can write full coherent sentences. Some children want nothing more than to the please the teacher, where others are out to get me emotionally, physically, and mentally.
The problem is, they don't know that they are driving me crazy.
They don't know that what they are doing is detrimental to their education.
They don't know because of the age they are.
They don't know that each day they are ripping a piece of my heart out and crushing it on the floor.
That each day I try my best to command a classroom but come off snide and patient; where I am anything but that inside.
I have been told that I have a soft countenance and wonderful demeanor towards the children. What they don't realize is how often I look at the clock, counting down the minutes till their next special, recess, and finally when the bell rings for them to go home.
When that bell rings I have 5 minutes of complete euphoria, where I realize I have made it through another day, finishing what I started, doing what is required of me. Then reality hits---I have to do the same thing the next day.
What a feeling it is to not want to wake up with fear imbedded in your chest trying to fight its way out. This depression that has consumed me in this first year of teaching is usually held to a standard of normalcy. There is nothing normal about being utterly depressed and down on yourself for 9 months in a year ...everyday.
Since the beginning of school I have had this weight on my shoulders that I cannot seem to shake. I have this weight that eats at my very fiber of being---I am not happy. But I am required to this job because of financial responsibility to my family. This must be done.
There was a story that my Sister-In-Law sent me about a month ago that has rang true for me since I heard it. The meaning of the story is to give insight into the feelings of parents who have children with down syndrome. I do not have a child with down syndrome, but I have been dealt a hand of cards that I was not anticipating and I believe that the story has meaning to my life.
This story you can read here:
That is where I found the title of my blog and that is the journey I am on to find Joy in my Holland.
I will be using this blog as a place to write my thoughts; good and bad. I need to get past this and find job in what I have been given, otherwise life will cease to exist.
Monday, October 13, 2014
1-1 meeting
I want to do well at this.
I need to well at this.
Each day, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my job, because I'm not doing enough, or not being thorough.
I'm just always afraid.
I want to do well, and I want these kids to learn. But, I feel out of my league...constantly.
What can I, a 25 year old (7 year college graduate) teach these children?
It seems so incomprehensible and uncertain.
I need this job for my family and my son.
I need it like I need water and food.
My family needs it like water and food, so they can have water and food.
There is so much riding on it, so much to be done.
I need to well at this.
Each day, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my job, because I'm not doing enough, or not being thorough.
I'm just always afraid.
I want to do well, and I want these kids to learn. But, I feel out of my league...constantly.
What can I, a 25 year old (7 year college graduate) teach these children?
It seems so incomprehensible and uncertain.
I need this job for my family and my son.
I need it like I need water and food.
My family needs it like water and food, so they can have water and food.
There is so much riding on it, so much to be done.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Reflections
As I reflect back over this last week I have come to one conclusion.
I have stopped trying.
During this week, I was yearning for the weekend, pining for the days off where I could sit in my bed doing absolutely nothing...being slothful and unproductive.
During this week, I haven't tried, much less succeeded, in managing my classroom, mainly because I was not prepared---I was coasting.
Coasting and being "not in the moment" doesn't fly in this type of career---or any career. There were moments that I was being rude to just be rude. There were times that children were just being children. Instead of coming down to their thinking level, I came down to their level of coping ---pure childishness. I was sharp, strict, and undeniable, painfully disregardful of what was taking place right before my eyes. I was choosing not to care.
I have been choosing not to love these children.
I have been choosing not to write the lessons that will engage them and excite them.
I have been choosing to be lethargic, unproductive, and cynical about my situation.
I have been choosing to be overwhelmed with mysucky (pretty darn good) life.
I have been choosing not to try.
I have not given it my all.
My life, up to this point, has led me to where I am.
I have stopped trying.
During this week, I was yearning for the weekend, pining for the days off where I could sit in my bed doing absolutely nothing...being slothful and unproductive.
During this week, I haven't tried, much less succeeded, in managing my classroom, mainly because I was not prepared---I was coasting.
Coasting and being "not in the moment" doesn't fly in this type of career---or any career. There were moments that I was being rude to just be rude. There were times that children were just being children. Instead of coming down to their thinking level, I came down to their level of coping ---pure childishness. I was sharp, strict, and undeniable, painfully disregardful of what was taking place right before my eyes. I was choosing not to care.
I have been choosing not to love these children.
I have been choosing not to write the lessons that will engage them and excite them.
I have been choosing to be lethargic, unproductive, and cynical about my situation.
I have been choosing to be overwhelmed with my
I have been choosing not to try.
I have not given it my all.
I have not tried my best.
I have not earned my paycheck.
I have been wasting time.
I have been wasting resources.My life, up to this point, has led me to where I am.
There are no coincidences.
I am supposed to be here.
In Las Vegas.
As a first year teacher, in an arts integrated school.
Monday, August 25, 2014
1st Day Jitters
Today is my first day teaching Kindergarten and I am freaking out!
Every time the kids are in my classroom it goes great, but I'm still flubbing up everything that I had planned. For instance, it took a lot longer this morning to get everything situated and now I'm forgetting everything I had planned. Good thing I typed it up with Ashleigh last night...except I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up, gosh what did I eat this morning that could possible give my stomach this kind of churning feeling? Goodness.
There are super kids in my class though, I just hope that I can teach them how to respect me and keep their hands to themselves. Practice, practice practice is what everyone is telling me. I guess that is the best I can do.
I can already tell that there are multiple boys that are going to give me a hard time throughout the year, but it should be ok. It will be ok...right?
Oh my gosh, the knot in my rib cage is intense, I think I might be getting an ulcer.
The kids are at specials right now, giving me a chance to breathe and think about what I am doing.
Reflection:
So far, I started out consistent by teaching them the tambourine signal but then it seemed to go down hill from there. I need to think before I talk and then continue with what I had planned and be firm but not rude. I love these kids already and can't take anything personally. I can do this. It will be hard, but I can do this. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Be firm, but not mean.
Every time the kids are in my classroom it goes great, but I'm still flubbing up everything that I had planned. For instance, it took a lot longer this morning to get everything situated and now I'm forgetting everything I had planned. Good thing I typed it up with Ashleigh last night...except I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up, gosh what did I eat this morning that could possible give my stomach this kind of churning feeling? Goodness.
There are super kids in my class though, I just hope that I can teach them how to respect me and keep their hands to themselves. Practice, practice practice is what everyone is telling me. I guess that is the best I can do.
I can already tell that there are multiple boys that are going to give me a hard time throughout the year, but it should be ok. It will be ok...right?
Oh my gosh, the knot in my rib cage is intense, I think I might be getting an ulcer.
The kids are at specials right now, giving me a chance to breathe and think about what I am doing.
Reflection:
So far, I started out consistent by teaching them the tambourine signal but then it seemed to go down hill from there. I need to think before I talk and then continue with what I had planned and be firm but not rude. I love these kids already and can't take anything personally. I can do this. It will be hard, but I can do this. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Be firm, but not mean.
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