1-1 meeting

I want to do well at this.
I need to well at this.
Each day, I'm afraid that I'm going to lose my job, because I'm not doing enough, or not being thorough.
I'm just always afraid.
I want to do well, and I want these kids to learn. But, I feel out of my league...constantly.
What can I, a 25 year old (7 year college graduate) teach these children?
It seems so incomprehensible and uncertain.

I need this job for my family and my son.
I need it like I need water and food.
My family needs it like water and food, so they can have water and food.

There is so much riding on it, so much to be done.

Reflections

As I reflect back over this last week I have come to one conclusion.
 I have stopped trying. 
During this week, I was yearning for the weekend, pining for the days off where I could sit in my bed doing absolutely nothing...being slothful and unproductive.

During this week, I haven't tried, much less succeeded, in managing my classroom, mainly because I was not prepared---I was coasting.

Coasting and being "not in the moment" doesn't fly in this type of career---or any career. There were moments that I was being rude to just be rude. There were times that children were just being children. Instead of coming down to their thinking level, I came down to their level of coping ---pure childishness. I was sharp, strict, and undeniable, painfully disregardful of what was taking place right before my eyes. I was choosing not to care.

I have been choosing not to love these children.
I have been choosing not to write the lessons that will engage them and excite them.
I have been choosing to be lethargic, unproductive, and cynical about my situation.
I have been choosing to be overwhelmed with my sucky (pretty darn good) life.
I have been choosing not to try. 

I have not given it my all.

I have not tried my best.

I have not earned my paycheck. 

I have been wasting time.

I have been wasting resources.

My life, up to this point, has led me to where I am.

There are no coincidences. 

I am supposed to be here. 

In Las Vegas. 

As a first year teacher, in an arts integrated school. 

1st Day Jitters

Today is my first day teaching Kindergarten and I am freaking out!
Every time the kids are in my classroom it goes great, but I'm still flubbing up everything that I had planned. For instance, it took a lot longer this morning to get everything situated and now I'm forgetting everything I had planned. Good thing I typed it up with Ashleigh last night...except I constantly feel like I'm going to throw up, gosh what did I eat this morning that could possible give my stomach this kind of churning feeling? Goodness.

There are super kids in my class though, I just hope that I can teach them how to respect me and keep their hands to themselves. Practice, practice practice is what everyone is telling me. I guess that is the best I can do.

I can already tell that there are multiple boys that are going to give me a hard time throughout the year, but it should be ok. It will be ok...right?
Oh my gosh, the knot in my rib cage is intense, I think I might be getting an ulcer.

The kids are at specials right now, giving me a chance to breathe and think about what I am doing.

Reflection:
So far, I started out consistent by teaching them the tambourine signal but then it seemed to go down hill from there. I need to think before I talk and then continue with what I had planned and be firm but not rude. I love these kids already and can't take anything personally. I can do this. It will be hard, but I can do this. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Be firm, but not mean.