November 13, 2014

Today has been the worst. I have yelled more than I have taught and been short more than I have been patient.
I am in over my head and there is nothing I can do. I didn't choose this profession, it chose me. I followed a prompting and it has gotten me here; teaching little kids who I have no fondness of. who are little kids.
These kids are some of the brightest children. They come from very different walks of life and are all different in some way or another. There are children that can't write their name, where others can write full coherent sentences. Some children want nothing more than to the please the teacher, where others are out to get me emotionally, physically, and mentally.

The problem is, they don't know that they are driving me crazy.
They don't know that what they are doing is detrimental to their education.
They don't know because of the age they are.
They don't know that each day they are ripping a piece of my heart out and crushing it on the floor.
That each day I try my best to command a classroom but come off snide and patient; where I am anything but that inside.
I have been told that I have a soft countenance and wonderful demeanor towards the children. What they don't realize is how often I look at the clock, counting down the minutes till their next special, recess, and finally when the bell rings for them to go home.
When that bell rings I have 5 minutes of complete euphoria, where I realize I have made it through another day, finishing what I started, doing what is required of me. Then reality hits---I have to do the same thing the next day.

What a feeling it is to not want to wake up with fear imbedded in your chest trying to fight its way out. This depression that has consumed me in this first year of teaching is usually held to a standard of normalcy. There is nothing normal about being utterly depressed and down on yourself for 9 months in a year ...everyday.
Since the beginning of school I have had this weight on my shoulders that I cannot seem to shake. I have this weight that eats at my very fiber of being---I am not happy. But I am required to this job because of financial responsibility to my family. This must be done.

There was a story that my Sister-In-Law sent me about a month ago that has rang true for me since I heard it. The meaning of the story is to give insight into the feelings of parents who have children with down syndrome. I do not have a child with down syndrome, but I have been dealt a hand of cards that I was not anticipating and I believe that the story has meaning to my life.
This story you can read here:

That is where I found the title of my blog and that is the journey I am on to find Joy in my Holland. 

I will be using this blog as a place to write my thoughts; good and bad. I need to get past this and find job in what I have been given, otherwise life will cease to exist.