November 14, 2014

About an hour ago I had a complete meltdown. I was so bogged down by the idea of having to have my principal come observe me that I was crying crocodile tears, the ones that hit you in the back of the throat, making it hard to breathe. I went on about how I don't feel like I'm measuring up and how I'm so scared of failing and losing this job when there is so much riding on it. My family life is riding on it.
If we didn't have this job our life would spiral into a mass waste of hellish unknowns. My husband wouldn't be able to get his medication, my baby wouldn't be able to have his doctor visits, and we wouldn't be able to afford anything. I'm not saying I get paid millions, far from it, but it is enough to take care of our needs when we are very frugal.
This job is everything and I just feel like I've hit the largest learning curve I've ever encountered.

Yesterday I lost complete control of my class for 30 minutes.
It was the longest, more vile 30 minutes I have had to date.

My husband made a good point though as I was trying to make eye contact through my tears. There are 25 different variables in my class. 25 little ones that all are independent thinking kiddos who think they know what is best for them at certain parts of the day. I know what I expect of me and sometimes the kids don't know that. I have realized that I have a "perfect movie" complex. Where everyone should know my script and follow it precisely as I want it to flow. That is overwhelmingly impossible. It will never be possible, nor would it be as eye opening or learning filled...people are unpredictable because of past experiences, as well as, the current state of affairs.

Today will either be amazing or blow up like WW2. (Bad reference)

What I have to focus on is the thought I had while driving to school:

It will happen whether you are prepared or not, so be prepared.